Men Caught Short

In Casablanca, Gamal Abdel Nasser

Was always more popular than Major Strasser;

Indeed, very few people were more likely to provoke a fight

Than the chap notoriously portrayed by Conrad Veidt.

In Casablanca, many came to wait

And wait… and wait; their uncertain fate

Dependent, as often as not, on a third party,

Called, as often as not, Signor Ugarte.

And very few Casablancans professed themselves to be sorry

At the demise of Peter Lorre

(Though Lorre soi-même made other films.  However,

Ugarte never.)

Another poisonous character—one is reminded of curare—

Was that oleaginous bloke in a fez, Signor ‘Syd’ Ferrari,

Swatting flies in that burdensome heat

As Isla Lund begs at his feet

For a gin and tonic:

            That clip’s iconic!

Other unpopular coves include

Captain Renault, whose curious mood-

Swings injected an electric tension,

And whose few regrets were too few to mention

But who, when it came to the brink,

Brought a well-deserved finis to the fascist fink,

Major Strasser, at the airport—in that scene (a critic notes)

Which is replete with quotable quotes:

    “Round up the usual suspects”—that was one;

    “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful
           friendship” was another;   

     We’re left wondering, if these two had had a son,

     Who’d have played the father and who the mother.