Tits Oot Fer Tha Troubadour!

The window it opened slowly

the dustman he came in
I was nine years old
And he was about the same height as I was
He was wearing glasses
and he said his tea was cold
He said, “I’ve had a couple
and you know I'm small and tubby
I must be getting old”
So he started on the vodka
He was drinking, I was eating
and his boots were rubber-soled

Well, my cheese it got much smaller
his name was Ernie Miller
he started on the wine
Then he changed to the vermouth
Bloke used to be a waiter
and he put his foot on mine
Thought I saw a seagull
but it might have been an Arctic Tern
I never could decide
Then my father built a greenhouse
he sneezed twice into his gumboots
and it trickled down inside

You who build these greenhouses now
to grow tomatoes from seedlings
you must not do it anymore
A horse is not an armchair
and you never were once beaten
by a shovel or a hod
You who stand with Ernie now
your words all ‘Bah!’ and ‘ruddy!’
you were lying on the floor
when I lay upon a sofa
and the unfed dog was barking
so I couldn’t hear a word

And if you call me Ronald now
forgive me if I perspire
Should I call you all Dan?
At the end of the day
I really need to eat something
I will feed the dog too if I can
At the end of the day
I will eat the dog if I'm driven to it
but I feel the need to feed something
My brother’s gone to Scunthorpe
He's gone to get a haircut
The barber is a sailor