Come list to me and I’ll tell to
you
A tale but you
must never
Breathe a word to anyone
Regarding this endeavour
For if the world should hear of it
Then surely I shall sever
Your gossipping heads from your scrawny
necks
And silence you forever.
I was stationed in the Middle East,
Bahrain to be precise,
As adjutant to Major William
Peter Watkins-Price.
Now Watkins-Price let slip one day
That he and Captain Hoare
Were expecting a special delivery
To be delivered to their door.
But when I asked for details
The two men looked amused
And I felt that sense of something
Far more deeply interfused.
I duly signed for the package
As I’d been asked to do
And took it to the Major, saying:
“Major, it’s for you.”
“Thank you, Wilkins,” he replied,
Tucking it into his pocket.
“Close the door on your way out,
please,
“And make sure
that you lock it.”
But, being a nosey parker,
I listened in
and heard
Captain Hoare, through the door,
Exclaim, “Well
’pon my word!”
What was in that package?
I’ll bet you’re
dying to know.
Be patient and I’ll tell you
If you give me
half a mo.
The very next day, the Major
And the Captain
done a bunk;
There was no sign of Hoare’s
briefcase
No sign of the
Major’s trunk.
They’d taken their belongings
Except the
package that I’d signed for
And I was damned if I could fathom
What they’d
left the thing behind for,
Until I opened it and saw
What the
package did contain:
Secret plans to overthrow
The Hakim of
Bahrain!
It was written in code, like a
novel,
Written by the
famous
Wit and raconteur who’s known
By the name of
Kingsley Amis.
And to make matters grubbier
The fiend had
had the gall
To plagiarise another’s work
And call it Thunderball.
I vowed to scupper the duo’s
plans,
I didn’t waver
or say, ‘Shall I?’
For we were in the middle of war
And Bahrain was
our ally.
I warned the Adjutant-General,
Who, appalled
by such insurgency,
Duly put on his hat and coat
And declared a
state of emergency.
He said, “We’ll get these
traitors, Wilkins,
“We’ll stop
these seditious swine!”
And pointing at the blower, he
barked:
“Get me 999!”
We rode off in our vehicles
To search for
these pariahs,
In fire engines, ambulances
And a host of
Black Marias.
We found them at the border –
My orders were just
to catch them –
But, fired by a higher calling,
I determined to
dispatch them.
I shot them both in the back of
the head
And now I’m
known as “The One”,
“Allah’s trusty lieutenant”,
“The Man With
The Golden Gun”.
I’m proud to say I saved the day
And did it on
my own,
And that’s why every hakim
Now sits easy
on his throne.
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