The Lumpy Men

Out of the glen they came,

The lumpy men:

William, Arthur and Dirk

And Ben,

With their trumpets blaring

And their trousers rolled;

Hatless, although

It were devilish cold

And they made for the home

Of Sergeant McQueen,

Who’d run them out

Of Aberdeen,

With their trumpets blaring

And their trousers rolled,

Although by then

It weren’t so cold.

Rat-a-tat-tat they knocked

On McQueen’s oak door;

“Wit tha fuck

“Are ye knocking for?”

Shouted Mrs McQueen

But the lumpy men

Just knocked and knocked

And knocked again.

“Are ye tha lumpy men?”

Mrs McQueen cried.

“Aye, we’re tha lumpy men!”

The lumpy men replied.

“Wit d’ye want wi’ me?”

She asked the lumpy men.

“It’s no a cup o’ tea!”

Wryly answered Ben.

Sergeant McQueen stood up

To face the lumpy men;

As they knocked and knocked, he said,

“I’ll get it, hen.”

Out of the glen they’d come,

The lumpy men,

Leaving the glen just after

Half past ten.

As McQueen opened the door,

The lumpy men

Blew the trumpets they’d brought

From the glen

And blew and blew and blew

Until McQueen

Regretted what he’d done

In Aberdeen.

“Let that be a lesson tae ye!”

Said the lumpy men

And they took their trumpets

Back to the glen,

Leaving Sergeant McQueen

At his door –

And reaching the glen

At quarter past four.